There’s a feeling I get when the depression gets deeper into my thoughts. I stop seeing light and there is only darkness, maybe a gray fog at most. It seems to surround my mind and imprison me. Only, these bars aren’t steel but a continuous dialogue that ravages me and breaks me down to nothing. That’s what I think of myself. Nothing!
If you have depression, you may know of this dialogue. It’s a dangerous, uncompromising voice that lies heavy on your chest and wants to suffocate you. It wants you to submit and become weakened by all the horrible things that it will tell you about yourself. It starts by telling you that you are worthless, and then it becomes cruel and tells you that you are a burden that is no longer useful to this world. If it’s convincing enough, you consider how you would produce your own death. You may think that your death would go unnoticed because who would care? You struggle to tell the voice, “Go to hell!” However, when you do that, depression hangs on tighter and becomes more cruel. Fighting is futile.
You may remember a glimpse of when you felt good. When you felt like you were surrounded by light. You may recall how your mother told you that she loves you or your wife caressed your hand and whispered to you that you were all that mattered. Will it be enough?
Many times, depression will not allow you to think of the times when you felt loved. It wants to take away all that is good in your life, or at least the memory of it. It’s a little bastard that rides on your shoulder and wants to ruin you.
Remember this, it’s not easy, but remember that you have people that care. They are there, standing in front of you. You just can’t see them through the muck that is your mind, but they are there and they want you to hang on. The depression will lift. You will find your smile again, and when you do, remember it for the next time that the darkness visits you.